Life with Gertrude

My little cousin has been in town this week and today she informed me of something incredibly disastrous! Apparently, Cookie monster makes your kid fat! He encourages your little butterball to continuously eat Double Stuff Oreos, Chips Ahoy and Keebler Fudgey O’s (or whatever they’re called..that sounds like a garden gnomish kinda name to me..) She also mentioned something about his name possibly being changed to “Veggie Monster;” in which case, I promptly called shenanigans. (Although, I was a bit unsure.)

After extensive hours of research (called “Google”) I’ve come to a scientific conclusion that shall resolve this matter. Cookie Monster is still named “Cookie Monster” as per his original birth certificate. I know. He told me.
And, shouldn’t the REAL concern here be those googley eyes Cookie Monster has??? Who thought up that politically incorrect crap? If I had a lazy eye, I’d sue the hell out of Sesame Street. Oh, and how about that blue fur?? That has got to be the most racist thing I’ve ever seen on television. Now add in the googley eyes and childhood obesity to that and you have a real mess on your hands, people. Comon! How do you MISS that stuff???
Just look at this guy!!

Besides that, childhood obesity is also the cause of inner city youth problems. Now you MUST be thinking..”Jess, how do you figure??” Weeeelllll. Let me explain!!

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See, childhood obesity is apparently a HUUGE problem in this country. So huge, that some group of activists decided to sue McDonald’s because they put toys in happy meals. Everyone knows that people who live in the city live life at a much more faster pace, hence they MUST eat out more than rural folks…
In addition, those toys are lethal weapons! They FORCE the children to eat those greaseburgers and fries with the use of toxic BPA levels. These kids then become obese almost instantaneously and start fights over lost twinkies. These fights escalate into gang wars, etc. and continue to go until no one remembers if the fight was originally over a stolen twinkie or a misplaced Ho-Ho.
So see!! All the gang problems and the lot are also McDonald’s fault! (wait..doesn’t Wendy’s, Burger King and some sugary breakfast cereals ALSO use toys as a way to force kids to eat unhealthy?? hmm….)
So yep…as you can see, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the parents and the child.

(oh and, If I were the judge in the McyD’s case that is making the headlines right now, I’d throw em outta my courtroom..matter of fact, they’d be lucky if they didn’t get contempt charges for wasting my time. JUUUSSSTTT Sayn.)

In other news, my OTHER cousin decided that I should draw on different faces from the “Guess Who” game every day. In place of my usual driver’s license and disability ID card (Yes, you actually get a “special” ID card here. Pun intended) I’ll carry around the little fliptile of the character I am for that day..
“Arrrrrrreee you….wearing glasses??”
“Nope”
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I think going a day as “Andy” will probably be the most fun, especially since my eyebrows have finally bit the dust completely. heh.

In closing, leave Cookie Monster alone, keep the Happy in the Happy meal and dinkdinkdinkdinkdink.

Hugs and Sunny Surf,
Jessica and Gertrude

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Don’t forget to donate to my Relay for Life team!!!
We are going to be “Flocking” yards with Pink Flamingos for donations! Got a friend whose a good sport?? Wanna play a joke on em?? For minimum $10 donation, my team will “flock” their yard!! comment or email me for more info. Donation is tax deductible.

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