Dear Xavier

14 Mar 2013 1 Comment

by gurlinthacurl in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , ,


Kiki,

You always made fun of me for liking country music, but you liked listening to me sing. You remember that million year old man who was hittin on me that one night in JR’s? I promise not to tell anyone that you went ghetto on his ass and flipped your weave.

Danny emailed me today. Warmed my heart and soul that I was able to give you some comfort that others couldn’t provide just based on a membership in a fraternity that neither of us ever wanted to join. The hazing rituals of this frat were just too much for you to handle and there is nothing wrong with that. I often wonder how I handled it and here you were, laughing, smiling and joking all along the way. You told me that you admired my strength but in reality, I’m not strong. I’m weak, fragile and scared all the time. You were none of those things.

I have to admit that when I see or hear someone say they live life to the fullest, I often roll my eyes because they really have no clue what that actually means. Maybe that is a subjective and cliche saying but if anyone knew what it truly meant, it was you.  I never saw you with one single frownie-faced wrinkle and I admire that about you.

You showed all of us in the crew how to live, laugh and love each other, despite our differences. You accepted all of us, no matter what that meant. In your eyes, we were perfect and in ours, you were.

I’m pretty sure that if you could see me right now, you would tell me to put on my big girl panties and git on with it. However, just like the song says, I’m not crying because I’m sorry for you. I know you are in a better place as I know the pain you went through. I’m crying for me. It’s selfish but it’s all I can do right now to let you know that you are greatly missed.

To the rest of my friends, family, readers and especially the crew in H-Town…make sure your loved ones know you love them.  Take that time to text them, visit them and hug them.    Sometimes, the extended family you create outside of your bloodline becomes closer than the ones you grew up around and share a namesake with. Nothing can replace that feeling of acceptance and friendship.  Xavier taught us all that. He lived for that.

Rest peacefully, Xavier. We all love you and miss you.  Keep it fabulous on the other side and when I get there, we gon’ need a kiki.

Remember 911

11 Sep 2012 Leave a Comment

by gurlinthacurl in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , ,


 

 

Eleven years ago on this day, I was working for Delta airlines as a customer service agent.  It was about 8 am central standard time, and we always had CNN or some sort of news station on in the back room. My co-worker, Tim, ran out and grabbed me from my computer and a line of people; dragging me to the back office.

“Look!” he exclaimed.

“This is no accident, ” he added.

I was in shock as I watched the first tower burning and listened to the reporter tell the harrowing story of how an airplane full of people just burned through it.  Several minutes passed as we stood there, ignoring passengers yells to be helped at the counter.  We couldn’t help them anyway, as everything was about to be shut down.  Tim and I were in a trance, mouths dropped open, staring. That’s when it happened.  We watched that second airliner plow right into the second tower.   I can not even begin to imagine what went through the mind of a New Yorker who saw this, as I only saw it on live television.  I know that, for myself, panic set in.  Panic, anger, disbelief, sadness, frustration, torment.  I remember telling a frustrated passenger that it wasn’t about him missing his stupid business meeting anymore.

“Go back here. Sit there for two minutes and get a clue,” I told him as I sat him in front of our little office television. I watched his face go through all the same motions mine did.  He just stood up, looked at me with sadness in his eyes, and stumbled out of the office. He plopped down on an airport bench in utter disbelief at the situation, just like the rest of America.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Less than a year later, I enlisted.   How were you affected?

Please at least watch one video. If any, listen to one of the calls. Feel the terror in their voices. Feel empathy. Realize how truly blessed we all are today.

I always tell my friends and family that I love them. Sometimes they look at me crazy, but at least if something should ever happen to me, they know someone in this life cared about them.

Never Forget, America.

No hugs and sunny surf on this day.

Jessica & Gertrude

911 Tribute By Joe Castillo

11 Sep 2012 Leave a Comment


Video by gurlinthacurl

Will I be Pretty?

17 Jul 2012 13 Comments

by gurlinthacurl in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , ,


Boobs Tatas gazongas knockers funbags mammaries the girls bosom bust bazookas milk money lady lumps jugs melons teats titties rack cans twins hooters

BREASTS

Whatever one wishes to call them, they are beautiful.

I haven’t discussed mine much in my little corner of the interweb, but I think now is a great time to do so.  I have the BRCA 1 gene mutation. I’ve made a choice. It has been by far, thee most difficult decision I’ve had to make but I like to view it as my final Eff You to canSer.

Women with the BRCA genetic mutation are at a much higher risk of developing breast canSer.  In my situation, my risk is a lovely, whopping 87%.  So, off with their heads, I say.

See, here’s the deal. Even as I write this, I’m fighting with that nasty, choking knot that builds in the back of one’s throat.  I run a tough game but as I’ve always said, we are human. We are entitled to our breakdowns.  Maybe I need one right now.

Anyway, going to these appointments in preparation for a bilateral mastectomy got me thinking.  Pretty is what changes. Not the girl.   Sure, I’m losing my breasts. My natural breasts. The girls that bought me drinks in college, make my favorite dress pop in just the right places, fill out a bikini and balance out that honkytonk badonkadonk that we all know I have.  I can’t even begin to describe all the emotions that filled my soul when the doctor was sizing me up for tissue expanders and discussing taking tissue of my beautiful back to reconstruct the girls.  Somehow, I managed to keep it together and tell him that he wasn’t touching my back, as I already have enough scarring. (Just like many other women who have gone through this before me.) Fighting with my inner self, I struggle between “yaaayyyy I’m getting stripper boobies!!” and “holy crap I’m losing the last part of me that makes me a woman.”  It’s like a little demon in there fussing with my head.  I find it ridiculous, as we are talking about a girl who keeps her own head shaved simply to disprove societal standards about the definition of “Pretty.”  (so far, I think I’m doing a damn good job at it, too. hee hee.  Besides…it’s a badge of courage. Rock that baldness out!)

I think what gets me through these appointments is thinking about the invisible footprints of all the women who have been forced to walk down the same dark, twisted, scary path that I’m currently on.  They made it. They’re still beautiful. They’re still accepted.  They’re still wanted. They’re still loved. Just like I will be and just like the ones who will follow my invisible footsteps.

I’m coming to terms with all this slowly.  I’m one of less than 30% already. BAM baby. BAM.  I’ll still be beautiful. Why?

Because “Pretty” is what changes, homies. ;)

Hugs and Sunny Surf,

Jessica & Gertrude

To Susan

12 May 2012 Leave a Comment

by gurlinthacurl in Cancer, ovarian cancer, Uncategorized Tags: , , ,


I don’t even know how to start this blog. A reader of mine passed away recently. I’ve waited a bit to write about it because, well, I was upset. I knew it was bound to happen at some point, but didn’t think it would hit so close to home.

Often, I would receive emails or facebook messages from her, describing how something I said or wrote resonated with her and motivated her to keep going. When I learned of her death, I felt the anger in my body knot up in the back of my throat. That’s just how this circle works. One day you are chatting it up, sharing recipes and scarf tying techniques. The next day, that same person is just gone. No one asks why and no one asks what happened. We all just know. Time to go on with the day, knowing that person is no longer suffering under the blackness that is disguised in the form of dis-ease.

I went home from school that day and had my little breakdown. A good dose of reality is sometimes needed for someone to realize how lucky they truly are. I often sit at school and listen to the nonsense other girls complain about and smirk to myself. Mostly because I’m jealous.  Jealous that my worst problem isn’t how I’m going to pay for a bus ride to class on a Saturday. Jealous that Susan’s biggest discomfort wasn’t her weave coming loose in the front of her hairline. Amused  at how they think their eyebrow piercing was sooooooo painful.  Mad that they think pregnancy is a burden and sucks.  Maybe this blog sounds somewhat bitter but hey, I’m human. I’m mad. That’s it.

Despite all my little messy thoughts, Susan never complained to me about anything once. Ever. Matter of fact, when i tried to visit her, she didn’t want me to come until she could make ME lunch.  She insisted. Unfortunately, time wasn’t on our side and I was not able to visit her before she passed.

Her passing hit me rather hard and made me think about so many things. I remember she once wrote a post wishing she could travel and wondering why there wasn’t something like a “Make A Wish” for adults. This comment made my soul smile in a huge way but cry at the same time.  Someday, Susan, I’ll get to Santorini and I’ll make sure I take that photo for you. Someday.

Hugs and Sunny Surf,

Jessica & Gertrude

A Great Start

08 Mar 2012 5 Comments


 

 

I’ve had an amazing start to what I hope to be an amazing year!  (Which is why I’ve seriously neglected y’all, my beautiful readers.)

Let me start out with what I’m doing this weekend…hehehe.

 

Ready??

Okay..I’m styling an editorial submission for a Chinese magazine called Studio Today!!

“But Jess, how did you get into this??”

Well, about a month ago, I started apprenticing under a professional make up artist. Now we are doing weddings, editorials, beauty blogs, seminars and fashion shows.

I’m really stoked and have stayed super busy, but check us out here!!

http://www.junebxu.com

 

Healthwise, I’ve probably been a bit better. Right now, I’m mildly anemic so I get tired super fast and very easily. Hittin’ up that CT Scan soon, but in the meantime, here’s some ideas to help YOU combat fatigue.

1. DRINK WATER.

Yep..that’s right. that clear stuff that really has no taste. Drink it.

2.  Get on a sleeping schedule

We are creatures of habit. Maintaining an internal schedule will help your body properly recoup from the day’s havoc and create a pattern of awakeness for your body to follow.

3. Eat better,

Gotta have McDonalds? Try a salad instead of a quarter pounder

4. Exercise

Walking around the mall and carrying lots of shopping bags counts, folks

5.  Laugh often.

Takes more muscles to frown, hence using more energy to be upset.

6. Get 8 hours of sleep

Chances are, if you’re having to hit the coffee pot every day at 3 pm, you’re not getting enough rest at nighttime.

7. Prepare for the next day the night before

Set out your outfit for the next day. Also, prepare your lunch (if you’re like me and take it with you.) It will save SOOOOOOO much time. I can actually sleep an extra 20 minutes because I do this.

8. Cut the caffeine

Try not to have any caffeine after 5pm.  Caffeine is a stimulant and will make your body want to be active and alert.

9.  Clear your mind

Stop worrying about things a good hour before you go to bed. Racing thoughts will keep you from sleeping

10.  Relax

Take a hot bath, read a good book, watch a movie…do something to relax and calm you.

 

Hugs and Sunny Surf,

Jessica & Gertrude

 

Video by gurlinthacurl

An Awesome Year, bitches

09 Jan 2012 4 Comments

by gurlinthacurl in Cancer, funny, laughter, ovarian cancer, Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , ,


A new year, right? Resolutions, weight loss, blah blah blah. Stuff you and I both know will never happen! I’ve never understand the whole “resolution” process, as I find it to be just another way to set myself up for failure. AMIRITE????

Instead, I offer this terrific subustitution. What will make your new year so much more awesome than last year???

I’ll go first.
Shooting guns bigger than me

Puppy loves

Old friends

New friends

Cute little owls are nice, too. So is the holiday flavors at Starbucks.
Umm..
this guy is pretty rad.


So is the man in that photo.

Rearranging Christmas lawn decorations with my brother

Pulling off quite possibly THEE best planks EVAR

This guy pulling up next to me at a stop light…When you see it, you’ll know epic win!

Google searches like this one

One for the girls

Being with this guy in that place

Wondering what rainbows would actually taste like

WWE Live events

Playing with the picture settings on my wordpress blog

And finally, (for the moment)
Nerding out at a space museum

How about you? What will make this year extra-full of awesomeness?

 

Hugs and Sunny Surf,
Jessica and Gertrude

(see mah new nosering?? I’ve wanted it for years and finally did it. No big deal at all. Figured that’s because of all the poking and prodding I’ve dealt with in the past few years. I LOVE it!)

About that hair…

09 Nov 2011 7 Comments

by gurlinthacurl in Cancer, funny, laughter, ovarian cancer Tags: , , , ,


I hope y’all actually click this music video this time because it really tells a great story about Identity and what it means to women.

I was inspired to write this little quip by a comment on my last blog post. Most people have no idea just how much something as simple as hair means to an individual’s identity; especially for a woman. I keep my hair short. That is my identity. I change the color about as often as my underwear. That buzzed up backside is a badge of courage. I do it so women know that you are NOT your hair! Hair is an accessory. Just like a scarf or a wig or hat. Hell, glue little rhinestones on your baldness and rock that out! (WHY didn’t I think of that last year when I was getting chemo???? dammit.)

Recently, I saw the film 50/50 and if one wants to make a valid attempt at understanding the emotional roller coaster canSer takes its host on, watch that film. There is absolutely NOTHING more dehumanizing than being forced to shave your hair off. NOTHING.

In order to feel that I was in control, I buzzed it all off before mine even started falling out. It was liberating but nonetheless dehumanizing. I never cried in front of anyone about it, even though I often wanted to. But you know what? If you need to cry, then do it. You’re entitled to that. Have your breakdown. Then later, remember that YOU are not your hair. Be free of it. Those who truly got your back will love you with or without hair, ovaries, boobs, Jimmy Choos, (insert whatever you want right here.)

Pretty is what changes, folks. Bald IS beautiful. There’s your proof.

In the meantime, here are a few videos that will show you how to wrap up your noggin in some awesome ways. I would often glue up some fake bangs underneath the front. (use hairglue and weaving tracks or eyelash glue.) Also, you can get pretty inexpensive weave from lots of different beauty supply stores….especially ones in “da hood.” Those were my favorite ones! To be honest, I STILL wrap it up sometimes. Just because I LOVE the look so much. Pashima and cotton work the best as silk and satin tend to slip and get really hot. And don’t worry about needing a “hair bun.” It isn’t necessary. I speak from experience. ;)



watch?v=uFVhHdTiY_w

I swore by this whole Youtube channel when I was playing the chemo game.

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheStyleUnderground

LOVE it!

Hugs and Sunny surf,
Jessica & Gertrude

Jedi Mindwick

07 Nov 2011 5 Comments

by gurlinthacurl in Cancer, funny, laughter, ovarian cancer Tags: , , , , , ,



It’s beginning to be THAT time of year, so, of course I must ALSO annoy you with ridiculously early Christmas music. BUT…at least mine is so cool to look at, right??

Things have been amazing and rough all at the same time. Did some more time this past month. (as in hospitals not prisons, but whose counting anyway?) However, I’m now well on the path to recovery (yet again) and am here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And guess what I’m aaaaaaallll out of….

heh.

So, in light of recent issues and the impending doom that is the holiday season, I’ve started my own Scentsy business.
Yes, that’s right! I’m an Independent Scentsy Consultant and I’m quite excited about it!
If you’re stumped on what to get your mom for Christmas or need a terrific office party gift, then Scentsy is for you.

Orders can be placed through my personal website
Jedi Mindwick

If the yummy smells don’t sell you, the clever name should. ;)

Now that I’ve pimped out my little business to you, it’s time for some inspiration type happy stuffs.
The other day I found myself discussing my extreme hatred for my scar with a close friend of mine. Body Image is something women struggle with no matter who they are and a gnarly, 14 inch scar does not help matters. So I’ve decided it is time to attempt to embrace the force within and do what I do best. Make fun of it.
I’m seriously considering getting it tattooed to look like a monster or something is crawling out of my belly. Maybe a zombie should come out! How appropriate would that be?
So here’s my question and challenge to you, dear reader.
What is it about YOUR body that you struggle with?
Is it your weight? Your hair? Maybe you think you have webbed feet?

My challenge to you is to figure out what YOU need to do in order to accept the way you were designed.
Do you need to start walking every morning? Maybe you could use a good shampoo and cut? (NO ONE likes dirty bum hair, okay??) Or maybe you just need a big ole’ stinky rotting zombie coming out of your bellybutton like I do. ;)

Hugs and Sunny Surf,
Jessica and Gertrude

I Lived

16 Oct 2011 1 Comment

by gurlinthacurl in Cancer, funny, laughter, ovarian cancer, Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


So, I found an old friend through the wonders of Facebook recently. She couldn’t quite believe it was me. She asked “wow, girl! What happened? You look amazing!”
I replied back with a simple smirk on my face that she obviously couldn’t see and said “I lived.”
I’m currently watching a show where a stripper is diagnosed with breast cancer. She has the BRCA gene. In this film, the doctor is removing both breasts; a preventative bilateral mastectomy, in an attempt to prevent the canSer from reoccurring. This isn’t about the BRCA gene or the canSer itself. It is about the girl’s struggle with losing her identity.
I have the BRCA gene. I will most likely opt for the same surgery. But here’s the thing…see, I really don’t think people in general truly understand just how much something as simple and commonplace as what our bodies look like define us as an individual, as a woman, a mother, sister, professional, etc. Even for me, it was (and still sometimes is) a struggle to not be defined by my body parts or my hair.
My things don’t define me as a woman. Even without breasts, make up, hair, a career, whatever…I am still me.
I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself or looking for pity because of things that are out of my control. But for those things that are in my control, you can bet your pretty chemo scarves that they are gettin’ rocked out. Pretty is what changes, not the woman. Sometimes, it just takes a shitty hand to teach someone that even with that shitty hand, the gambler can still win.
Besides, just because you don’t have boobs anymore, doesn’t mean you can’t jam out with your clam out.
You lived, baby.
So GO LIVE for cryin’ out loud.

Hugs and Sunny Surf,
Jessica and Gertrude

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