Well my fellow canSer kickers, here we are at the start of a brand new year. So far, Twitter is still running but Facebook is the preferred social networking source, Justin Beiber is stealing the souls of 13 year old girls everywhere and Lady GaGa is planning her next wacked out wardrobe ensemble made completely of dried cat food. Yep, nothing has changed. To honor this irony of some sort of a “new beginning” mumbo jumbo that is about as real as Dolly Parton’s boobs, Imma tell you a few things I WON’T be doing this year. Maybe a few of my way rad readers might even join me. We can start a trend or two.
1. Making Stupid Resolutions for the New Year
Comon…what’s the point of “I’m going to eat better” or “I’m going to be more green??” We all know that those of you who actually made resolutions like that have already broken them. Helloooooo…that last glass of champy you had after midnight at your boss’ New Years party? That counts. It was in the new year. All those streamers and paper confetti tossed around and left to blow in the wind? That counts. It was also in the new year. So I’ll be saving the disappointment of utter failure and NOT making goals that I can’t keep. I am a firm supporter of that; make goals that are realistic and obtainable. Then, no one is disappointed and we all win.
2. Number Watching
That’s right. I said it. Number watching! That is my doctor’s job. I mean, what am I paying them for at this point? Imma eat whatever I want and do what I want. If there is a problem, the guy with the “M.D.” after his name will let me know. Number watching might also include rushing around to be places that other people are requiring of me. Obviously, there are extenuating circumstances, but for the most part, life will be on MY timeline these days and NOT the timeline of others.
3. Buying into end of the world/2012 conspiracy theories
What a bunch of bull honkey, people. Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe the calendar simply starts over? You know, similar to how it does every single January? Juuuuuusssstttt sayin’…
4. Getting into extreme couponing and stockpiling for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse in 2012
Have you seen these nutjobs? Sure, they get all those groceries for free, but good lord…how many sticks of deodorant does a man need? Aside from that, I’m pretty sure I’ve got better things to do with my time than hunt down free spaghetti noodles. I dunno…maybe I’ll regret that in 2012, when the end of the world happens and the stench of dead Zombies is so overpowering. Guess I’ll just have to hunt down an extreme couponer and try to buy some air freshener for two Coca-Colas, a pack of Ramen and a bag of Twizzlers.
5. Eating chocolate
6. Joining your best friend’s garage band
I believe this has been covered in a previous blog, but your best friend’s garage band only plays at your mom’s house because she makes the best Hot Pockets on the block. If it weren’t for those microwavable beef and cheese filled flaky goodness, that garage band wouldn’t exist. Why? Because they suck. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be a “garage” band, now would they…
7. Making lame comments on Twitter, Facebook, (social networking site name goes here) that make no sense.
I’m not talking about the ones such as ” I’m chillin at blahblahblah with DahDahDah” type of comments. I’m referring to those ones people post that are fairly cryptic and it starts a big game of “guess what I mean and who this is directed at.” No one likes that damn game anyways. It’s kinda like a game of Dodgeball. The only person having any fun is the person throwing the ball. Everyone else gets to go home with a belly ache.
8. Letting People walk all over me
Yeah, this is a bad habit of mine. I have THEE hardest time telling people I care about “No.” This often leads to me getting walked on and my heart often feels like it was taken for quite a ride. Not anymore. That girl is long gone, peeps.
9. Taking a dead end, pencil sharpening, paper stapling, lame ass job
Matter of fact, I would recommend that one to just about anyone who isn’t happy with how things are turning out in their life. I firmly believe that I have a right to work a job that I love and am passionate about and so does every other human being. I’ll be pursuing those passions now. No more mail room sorting for me. (that’s generic for “crappy job.”)
10. Falling out of remission
I like to think I have complete control over this and guess what? It ain’t gonna happen. Not as long as I’ve got somethin’ to say about it.
10 Things I WILL be doing
1. Breaking some of those “resolutions” above, because, well…We AAAALLLLL know I’m fully prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse that will occur in 2012…
2. Playing less videogames
Buuuuuuuttt…since I’m NOT number watching, I refer to number one on this second list.
3. Using my sword
That started out as just another inside joke between an old friend and I, but maybe there’s a bit more to it. I tend to use my pen; probably too much. Time to start standing up for myself and my goals.
4. Eating meat
Yep. I’m a meat eater. Far from being a hipster. Go eat the dead carcass of an animal, you hippie. Just make sure it is organic and free -range..
5. Thanking aiport Security guards
I want them to know how lovely the frisking felt.
6. Doing less laundry
Hmm…I’ll just call that extreme couponer guy and inquire about expanding my uses for deodorant.
7. Call/Text people in the same room as me
Admit it. It is quite a riot to watch everyone else in the room wonder who you are both talking to. Then, once the other people realize you’ve not included them in your “secret” conversation, they think you’re talking about them. Yes, I speak from experience. I can’t make this stuff up, people.
8. Writing more often
I’ve really neglected my little private corner of the interwebs due to the holiday season and extreme traveling, but those days are behind me. I’ve got a rather large list of ideas and aim to keep this a happy, canSer-free laugh joint. Word.
9. Marking things off my bucket list
I had one years before there was a movie about it. I made it when I was 14 and it stays safely tucked away in my wallet. It has been through high school graduation, Boot camp, Hurricane Katrina AND Rita, several weddings and drunken pub crawls, a few trips to various foreign countries and even my tumor debulking surgery. It takes up valuable wallet space because I never know when I may have the opportunity to check something off it. Always having it with me prevents a lost opportunity. I even add to it every once in a while. Yep..I found the REAL way to be immortal. Heh.
10. Doing what makes ME happy
Why SHOULDN’T I do what makes ME happy? I’ve done so much to keep everyone else happy. Well guess what? Now it is MY turn! (and I think you should do the same.) I don’t mean be selfish, but if I wanna decorate cupcakes all weekend, knit ugly green and yellow doggie sweaters or eat cookies in bed, Imma do it. Is it really hurting anything?
So, here’s my challenge to my readers. Be selfish every so often. Do something for you just because you deserve it.
EAT COOKIES IN BED!!
it’s fun. I promise
Hugs and sunny surf,
Jessica & Gertrude