I don’t even know how to start this blog. A reader of mine passed away recently. I’ve waited a bit to write about it because, well, I was upset. I knew it was bound to happen at some point, but didn’t think it would hit so close to home.
Often, I would receive emails or facebook messages from her, describing how something I said or wrote resonated with her and motivated her to keep going. When I learned of her death, I felt the anger in my body knot up in the back of my throat. That’s just how this circle works. One day you are chatting it up, sharing recipes and scarf tying techniques. The next day, that same person is just gone. No one asks why and no one asks what happened. We all just know. Time to go on with the day, knowing that person is no longer suffering under the blackness that is disguised in the form of dis-ease.
I went home from school that day and had my little breakdown. A good dose of reality is sometimes needed for someone to realize how lucky they truly are. I often sit at school and listen to the nonsense other girls complain about and smirk to myself. Mostly because I’m jealous. Jealous that my worst problem isn’t how I’m going to pay for a bus ride to class on a Saturday. Jealous that Susan’s biggest discomfort wasn’t her weave coming loose in the front of her hairline. Amused at how they think their eyebrow piercing was sooooooo painful. Mad that they think pregnancy is a burden and sucks. Maybe this blog sounds somewhat bitter but hey, I’m human. I’m mad. That’s it.
Despite all my little messy thoughts, Susan never complained to me about anything once. Ever. Matter of fact, when i tried to visit her, she didn’t want me to come until she could make ME lunch. She insisted. Unfortunately, time wasn’t on our side and I was not able to visit her before she passed.
Her passing hit me rather hard and made me think about so many things. I remember she once wrote a post wishing she could travel and wondering why there wasn’t something like a “Make A Wish” for adults. This comment made my soul smile in a huge way but cry at the same time. Someday, Susan, I’ll get to Santorini and I’ll make sure I take that photo for you. Someday.
Hugs and Sunny Surf,
Jessica & Gertrude
