It’s beginning to be THAT time of year, so, of course I must ALSO annoy you with ridiculously early Christmas music. BUT…at least mine is so cool to look at, right??
Things have been amazing and rough all at the same time. Did some more time this past month. (as in hospitals not prisons, but whose counting anyway?) However, I’m now well on the path to recovery (yet again) and am here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And guess what I’m aaaaaaallll out of….
heh.
So, in light of recent issues and the impending doom that is the holiday season, I’ve started my own Scentsy business.
Yes, that’s right! I’m an Independent Scentsy Consultant and I’m quite excited about it!
If you’re stumped on what to get your mom for Christmas or need a terrific office party gift, then Scentsy is for you.
Orders can be placed through my personal website Jedi Mindwick
If the yummy smells don’t sell you, the clever name should.
Now that I’ve pimped out my little business to you, it’s time for some inspiration type happy stuffs.
The other day I found myself discussing my extreme hatred for my scar with a close friend of mine. Body Image is something women struggle with no matter who they are and a gnarly, 14 inch scar does not help matters. So I’ve decided it is time to attempt to embrace the force within and do what I do best. Make fun of it.
I’m seriously considering getting it tattooed to look like a monster or something is crawling out of my belly. Maybe a zombie should come out! How appropriate would that be?
So here’s my question and challenge to you, dear reader.
What is it about YOUR body that you struggle with?
Is it your weight? Your hair? Maybe you think you have webbed feet?
My challenge to you is to figure out what YOU need to do in order to accept the way you were designed.
Do you need to start walking every morning? Maybe you could use a good shampoo and cut? (NO ONE likes dirty bum hair, okay??) Or maybe you just need a big ole’ stinky rotting zombie coming out of your bellybutton like I do.
Well my fellow canSer kickers, here we are at the start of a brand new year. So far, Twitter is still running but Facebook is the preferred social networking source, Justin Beiber is stealing the souls of 13 year old girls everywhere and Lady GaGa is planning her next wacked out wardrobe ensemble made completely of dried cat food. Yep, nothing has changed. To honor this irony of some sort of a “new beginning” mumbo jumbo that is about as real as Dolly Parton’s boobs, Imma tell you a few things I WON’T be doing this year. Maybe a few of my way rad readers might even join me. We can start a trend or two.
1. Making Stupid Resolutions for the New Year
Comon…what’s the point of “I’m going to eat better” or “I’m going to be more green??” We all know that those of you who actually made resolutions like that have already broken them. Helloooooo…that last glass of champy you had after midnight at your boss’ New Years party? That counts. It was in the new year. All those streamers and paper confetti tossed around and left to blow in the wind? That counts. It was also in the new year. So I’ll be saving the disappointment of utter failure and NOT making goals that I can’t keep. I am a firm supporter of that; make goals that are realistic and obtainable. Then, no one is disappointed and we all win.
2. Number Watching
That’s right. I said it. Number watching! That is my doctor’s job. I mean, what am I paying them for at this point? Imma eat whatever I want and do what I want. If there is a problem, the guy with the “M.D.” after his name will let me know. Number watching might also include rushing around to be places that other people are requiring of me. Obviously, there are extenuating circumstances, but for the most part, life will be on MY timeline these days and NOT the timeline of others.
What a bunch of bull honkey, people. Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe the calendar simply starts over? You know, similar to how it does every single January? Juuuuuusssstttt sayin’…
4. Getting into extreme couponing and stockpiling for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse in 2012
Have you seen these nutjobs? Sure, they get all those groceries for free, but good lord…how many sticks of deodorant does a man need? Aside from that, I’m pretty sure I’ve got better things to do with my time than hunt down free spaghetti noodles. I dunno…maybe I’ll regret that in 2012, when the end of the world happens and the stench of dead Zombies is so overpowering. Guess I’ll just have to hunt down an extreme couponer and try to buy some air freshener for two Coca-Colas, a pack of Ramen and a bag of Twizzlers.
5. Eating chocolate
Honestly…I swear…
6. Joining your best friend’s garage band
I believe this has been covered in a previous blog, but your best friend’s garage band only plays at your mom’s house because she makes the best Hot Pockets on the block. If it weren’t for those microwavable beef and cheese filled flaky goodness, that garage band wouldn’t exist. Why? Because they suck. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be a “garage” band, now would they…
7. Making lame comments on Twitter, Facebook, (social networking site name goes here) that make no sense.
I’m not talking about the ones such as ” I’m chillin at blahblahblah with DahDahDah” type of comments. I’m referring to those ones people post that are fairly cryptic and it starts a big game of “guess what I mean and who this is directed at.” No one likes that damn game anyways. It’s kinda like a game of Dodgeball. The only person having any fun is the person throwing the ball. Everyone else gets to go home with a belly ache.
8. Letting People walk all over me
Yeah, this is a bad habit of mine. I have THEE hardest time telling people I care about “No.” This often leads to me getting walked on and my heart often feels like it was taken for quite a ride. Not anymore. That girl is long gone, peeps.
9. Taking a dead end, pencil sharpening, paper stapling, lame ass job
Matter of fact, I would recommend that one to just about anyone who isn’t happy with how things are turning out in their life. I firmly believe that I have a right to work a job that I love and am passionate about and so does every other human being. I’ll be pursuing those passions now. No more mail room sorting for me. (that’s generic for “crappy job.”)
10. Falling out of remission
I like to think I have complete control over this and guess what? It ain’t gonna happen. Not as long as I’ve got somethin’ to say about it.
and now…
10 Things I WILL be doing
1. Breaking some of those “resolutions” above, because, well…We AAAALLLLL know I’m fully prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse that will occur in 2012…
2. Playing less videogames
Buuuuuuuttt…since I’m NOT number watching, I refer to number one on this second list.
3. Using my sword
That started out as just another inside joke between an old friend and I, but maybe there’s a bit more to it. I tend to use my pen; probably too much. Time to start standing up for myself and my goals.
4. Eating meat
Yep. I’m a meat eater. Far from being a hipster. Go eat the dead carcass of an animal, you hippie. Just make sure it is organic and free -range..
5. Thanking aiport Security guards
I want them to know how lovely the frisking felt.
6. Doing less laundry
Hmm…I’ll just call that extreme couponer guy and inquire about expanding my uses for deodorant.
7. Call/Text people in the same room as me
Admit it. It is quite a riot to watch everyone else in the room wonder who you are both talking to. Then, once the other people realize you’ve not included them in your “secret” conversation, they think you’re talking about them. Yes, I speak from experience. I can’t make this stuff up, people.
8. Writing more often
I’ve really neglected my little private corner of the interwebs due to the holiday season and extreme traveling, but those days are behind me. I’ve got a rather large list of ideas and aim to keep this a happy, canSer-free laugh joint. Word.
9. Marking things off my bucket list
I had one years before there was a movie about it. I made it when I was 14 and it stays safely tucked away in my wallet. It has been through high school graduation, Boot camp, Hurricane Katrina AND Rita, several weddings and drunken pub crawls, a few trips to various foreign countries and even my tumor debulking surgery. It takes up valuable wallet space because I never know when I may have the opportunity to check something off it. Always having it with me prevents a lost opportunity. I even add to it every once in a while. Yep..I found the REAL way to be immortal. Heh.
10. Doing what makes ME happy
Why SHOULDN’T I do what makes ME happy? I’ve done so much to keep everyone else happy. Well guess what? Now it is MY turn! (and I think you should do the same.) I don’t mean be selfish, but if I wanna decorate cupcakes all weekend, knit ugly green and yellow doggie sweaters or eat cookies in bed, Imma do it. Is it really hurting anything?
So, here’s my challenge to my readers. Be selfish every so often. Do something for you just because you deserve it.
Got a few friends going through the canSer blues this holiday season? Weeeeeheeheeheeeelllll ne’er fear!! the canSer Avenger is here!! AND…
She’s got a few good idears about what to give and what NOT to give your homies who are a temporary home to a one such previously mentioned parasite.
First off, let me start by saying this. People with canSer DO NOT want scarves, hats, turbans, wigs or any other sort of head covering you can possibly conjure up in the smallest part of that non-creative mind. First off, these sorts of items are extremely personal. Everyone likes something different and what one person picks out to give, the receiver may find incredibly unflattering. (I mean, helloooo..not everyone wants to rock a blonde mullet wig; white trash style…don’t lie…I know that’s totally what you were thinking to give..) Secondly, those of us who dealt with or are still dealing with the harsh effects of chemotherapy already have a million of these items. Chances are, whatever you find, we’ve got three of the exact same one…one to wear, one to be dirty and one to wash. So three.
Also, please don’t give us gift cards to places like KFC, Chili’s, etc. Not that these aren’t great gifts, but really; does a person who is fighting canSer and is probably nauseated from chemo really want to eat this stuff?? Should they eat this stuff???? Nope. Not really. So save those for your other grease-eatin’ non-calorie countin’ homies this year.
Having said all that, how bout some things canSer patients would really love??
“But Jess, you already slammed out everything I got. Now I have to return stuff and my Black Friday shopping was wasted!” so you say.
Ne’er fear! The canSer Avenger is here!
AND
Your Black Friday efforts were not in vain! Take those items to your Local American Cancer Society and donate them! They will give them to a new canSer soldier who will love them dearly and you will receive a tax write-off.
It was also one of Oprah’s Favorite Things this year, if that helps any.
Netflix is a life-saver for any individual going through chemotherapy. Normally, one would think that the chemo is the life-saver, but that is far from the truth. Netflix is saving canSer kickers every day. Saving them from death by BOREDOM! My chemo sessions were on average, six and a half hours long. Netflix allowed me to not only have a couple of DVD movies to bring, but also instant watch thousands of movies and every single episode of My Name is Earl and The IT Crowd. Laughter is the best medicine and you will find that lots of these gift ideas provide just exactly that!
And don’t be stingy! Opt for at least 6 months and if you’re really awesome, hook ‘em up with the 2-dvd at a time option. Word.
#2
ALL of the Disney Princess movies! (even for a guy. They like them, too, although many won’t admit it.)
I stumbled upon THIS BLOG for those of you who think that the Princess movies may be degrading to women. Quit reading too much into things. You ruin it. Just enjoy the movies. Every girl, no matter what age, wants to be a Princess; particularly a Disney one. I mean, who WOULDN’T want to be one of those chicks up there?? They get it all! The guy, the palace, the crown, the cupcakes..hey. In my mind, they get cupcakes.
#3
The Michael Jackson Experience Game!
This is probably the coolest thing to come out in video gaming this year. Word to the wise: make sure your canSer kicker has one of these gaming systems and that you purchase the game for the CORRECT system. I can’t tell ya how many xbox games I have and no xbox to play them on.
Also, don’t gimme that crap about child molestation, blah blah blah. Don’t act like you don’t know the words to Thriller or Billie Jean..You’re so humming them in your head riiiiiigght now and you know it! Whether you want to admit it or not, the Man inspired the world.
#4
One of previously mentioned gaming systems!!
Or, if the gift receiver already has one of these systems, the xbox Kinect or PS3 Move are nice additions and are required in order to play the MJ Experience game. My personal pick would be the Kinect if that person has all these systems as it provides an overall experience. If the individual does not have a system at all, go for the PS3. It is a better overall entertainment console; as it can surf the web, play blu-rays, etc. the xBox is a better overall gaming console and has a handful of games that are full of WIN that are not available on the PS3. (Left for Dead 2 anyone???)
#5
Anything Zombie related is always fun. So let’s see…
We have..
Videogames
I have to agree with this guy’s love of zombie games; although I rather liked Left for Dead 2…just sayn.
However, he’s left out such greats as Plants vs. Zombies (which is also available as an iTunes app game for iPhone) Dead Space, Rock of the Dead; a game where mad guitar skills are used to destroy the hordes of undead, Red Dead Redemption: Undead nightmare; cowboy up, zombie killers..and the Siren series.
Movies HERE’S a whole list of ‘em! If there’s too many to pick from, I would recommend 28 Days Later,( although, this is arguably NOT a zombie film, as the people are consumed by the rage virus and are not really walking dead but whatever. It’s still a fun watch.) anything by George Romero, Fido, and my two personal favorites, Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead.
Books
Or ANY Max Brooks novel, for that matter
See? A little something for everyone in the Zombie genre. If there’s nothing here, just google “Zombie stuff” and TA DAAAAAAAA!!! Magic!
#6
A nice, quality blanket.
No really. One has no clue how comforting it is to have an amazing blanket that is aaaalll your own. No one else but you has puked on it.
See? Now you know WHY it’s so terrific. heh.
I received one of these when I was in the hospital and it is AH MAH ZING! It goes pretty much everywhere with me.
I actually had two blankets. My homegirl, Kim gave me one as well so I had one to wash and one to take with me.
,
,
,
,
,
,
#8
iPod
Word.
Need I really say more about this??
#9
Gift cards to iTunes
These can be used to purchase music, apps, ringtones ebooks and other whatnot for said iPod/iPhone. They’re lovely and kinda get around that whole “impersonal” issue most have with a gift card. It is actually quite thoughtful in my opinion because nothing is worse than when someone buys you a CD or DVD that you already own or really just can’t stand.
# DEKA (ten in greek, but I thought it looked like “deku” ten cool points if you know what that is from..)
Donation to The American Cancer Society in our name.
No really. That’s pretty cool. Just accompany it with some cookies or a pumpkin pie and there you have it..a gift worthy of tears.
You’re still humming Billie Jean, aren’t you..
Netflix is a life-saver for any individual going through chemotherapy. Normally, one would think that the chemo is the life-saver, but that is far from the truth. Netflix is saving canSer kickers every day. Saving them from death by BOREDOM! My chemo sessions were on average, six and a half hours long. Netflix allowed me to not only have a couple of DVD movies to bring, but also instant watch thousands of movies and every single episode of 
Or ANY Max Brooks novel, for that matter
